The column this week will not contain advice, helpful hints or personal opinions. Instead, I have decided to include things that might bring a chuckle or two. I have a collection of witty sayings and quotes, and I feel it’s time to clear some of my research folders.
Church bulletins are great for passing on announcements of coming events. Here are some church announcements that should have been proofread one more time:
“The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.”
“The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on Water.’ The sermon this evening: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.”
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.”
“Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”
While on the subject of church, I must include things that were overheard coming from the mouths of innocent children:
Three-year-old Reese was overheard saying, “Our Father, who does art in heaven, Harold is his name. Amen.”
After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys.”
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, “ Why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”
A mother invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?” “I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied. “Just say what you hear Mommy say,” the mother answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The only thing left this year when it comes to college football are the bowl games. I am not picking on any one or two college teams, but here are some digs to share with friends who might have a favorite team other than yours:
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs? Drool.
How many Michigan freshman football players does it take to change a light bulb? None. That’s a sophomore course.
How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? The cow fell on him.
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange? So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
Merry Christmas and I’ll see you Out and About!
Submitted by Norm Stutesman